Harris is five months old today. I can’t believe how much my life and myself have changed in a matter of months. As I look at him now, no longer a newborn, not quite a toddler, I start thinking of all the ways I’ve grown and all the things I’ve learned during this crazy, beautiful, hectic, magical time.

1. I learned to raise the baby I was given, not the baby I had imagined when I was pregnant.

   When I was pregnant, I imagined what my life as a mom would look like. I would take long stroller walks at least twice a day, often with other moms. I would cultivate a love of gardening while my baby played quietly in the pack n play. I would organize and clean my house while my baby took long and frequent naps. I would fill my house with simple, wooden toys that didn’t light up or play music. But that is just not who Harris is. Harris requires attention, he cries a lot, he is fussy almost constantly, he does not like independent play or sleeping. He laughs with joy at lights and sound. I learned I had to let go of my vision for what my life would be and who Harris would be, and instead, embrace the life I have and the baby I was gifted. Now, I enjoy playing with Harris, I am working with him on independent play, I love seeing his face light up with joy at his Baby Einstein Symphony jumper. He is who he is, and the sooner I accepted that, the happier I became.

2. I learned to trust my instincts.

   Before Harris was born, it seemed like I read every book out there. And whenever we faced a problem in the first few months, I referred to my research. The book says he doesn’t need to eat right now. The book says he should seep right now. The book says he doesn’t need this, or that. And on and on. I didn’t listen to my gut about my own child, and instead I followed what I believe to be thoughtful science. I am not saying we should ignore doctors at all. But when I started listening to my instincts, especially about feeding and sleeping, my life with Harris got a lot easier. We as moms and parents know our babies. We know when they are sleepy and we know when they are hungry. No book can really tell us that. Now I use my research as a tool, but not the end all be all. My instincts mean a lot more to me.

3. I learned not to take things my baby does or doesn’t do personally.

   I’ll be honest, I’m still learning this one, but the past five months have sped up my lessons :-) Having a baby with colic was such a challenge to me. I kept thinking that he didn’t like me, that I wasn’t being a good mom, that he would be happier with a different mom. I tried everything to make it stop: I restricted my diet and blamed myself every time he had digestive issues. I came up with fun activities and blamed myself every time he hated them. I tried all the advice and blamed myself when they didn’t work because they worked for other moms. Now I know the truth. Some things simply take time, and there is nothing I can do about it. It isn’t personal. It is just part of being a mom.

4. I learned to put my family first, most of the time.

   I was thirty-two when I had Harris. That was about fourteen years of independence before I had a baby to take care of 24/7. I had grown to be pretty selfish. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. Even my relationship with my husband was not very limiting, and I never felt restricted by being with him. Having a baby changes your priorities so quickly. My baby has to come first, and my relationship with my husband has to be a close second and sometimes even a first ahead of Harris. When I want to sleep in on a Saturday, it doesn’t matter: my baby is awake and needs me. When I want to just zone out after Harris goes down for the night, it doesn’t matter: my husband had a long day and needs his wife. When Harris goes down for a nap and I want to eat breakfast and have a cup of coffee, it doesn’t matter: my dogs need their medicines and need to be fed. I learned pretty quickly that what I want doesn’t always matter. But that led to me being unhappy, run down, and miserable. So ultimately what I really learned is to put them first, but only most of the time. Because sometimes I do need to sleep a little more and my husband can go get Harris. And sometimes I do need to zone out and watch TV in silence. And sometimes I do need that coffee (ok, more than sometimes). If I don’t do those things, I won’t be a good mom, or a good wife, or a good dog mom. I’ll be a zombie that is irritated with everyone. So while putting my family first is so important, putting myself first, sometimes, is just as important.

5. I learned that unlike what the mommy wars would lead me to believe, I don’t actually have to choose.

   Before Harris, I felt I needed to decide: do I want to cosleep or cry it out? Formula or breast milk? Fisher Price or homemade wooden toys? Organic or affordable? But in the past five months, I have done all these things and it’s totally fine. I have let Harris sleep beside me for cumulatively hours and hours. I have also practiced graduated extinction in his own crib. I have nursed him and I have given him formula, sometimes even with rice milk (omg!). I have bought him a Baby Einstein jumper that looks like a space ship and sounds like a night club, and I have also let him explore leaves and grass and simple wooden discs. I have given him organic, homemade cauliflower puree with thyme, and I have given him plastic pouches with Disney characters on them of apples and bananas. And you know what? It’s all been fine. I didn’t have to choose one or the other of these things. That was a lie, and quite frankly, it needs to stop. I now know that moms can do whatever they want whenever they want and it can be different from day to day, and its. totally. fine. We don’t have to choose.

Harris has been my greatest teacher. I learn new things everyday, and I carry those lessons with me through all the tears, laughter, and long nights. I’d love to hear your most important lessons so far